I know what they all think of me
by Lizwontcry
Summary: Each of the CSI's take turns pondering what the others think of them. It turns out, everybody's wrong. Or are they? RR if you wanna!
1. Grissom

I know what they all think of me. I always know. They think, "Gil Grissom! He's untouchable! He's cold!"

But they all have the wrong idea. Even Catherine, who's known me for almost 20 years. They all think I have some kind of manly tough exterior, that nothing bothers me. It burns me inside when they all finally burst from the pressure and then accuse me, who is trying to stay cool and stay one step ahead, of having no feelings. They have NO IDEA! No idea.

They have no idea how hard it is to run a unit like this in such a seedy town with such horrible occurances of crime that happens on a daily basis. They have no idea what it's like to always be the first to a scene with Brass, to find a body in such a state of horror, with no redemption in sight. I hate it. I can't stand to see our world in such disrepair.

But I do it anyway. Do you know why? Because it's in my blood, that's why. There is nothing in this world that I could do better than this job. I was born to do it. Me and my bugs, we'll solve the crime together. Every death, every crime.. it's like a puzzle. My brain is constantly solving puzzles, looking for something else to do, always on the run. If I weren't a CSI, I'd be lost. I wouldn't know what my place in this world would be.

I know that they think I'm a hard ass and I give them pointless assignments sometimes. I know for a fact that they all think they could run this joint better than I ever could. If they could only see how hard it was. If they could only see how much sweat and blood I put into this unit, and how hard it is to maintain something like this, they would run in the opposite direction. I know they think it's easy to hand out assignments and process evidence and think linearly about the crime, but they have no idea. I loved all my CSI's dearly, but they truly had no idea how taxing it was to be in my position. They don't see me go home after a long day and take the littany of prescribed drugs I have. They don't see me stare at the clock, filling with dread as the numbers kept coming until it was time to wake up. They didn't see inside my head, at the fireworks that consumes it on a daily basis. They didn't, and they couldn't, see.

I know everyone thinks I'm a terrible people person. That, they're right about. I'd much rather turn on some classical music in my office and study the latest forensics technology than go to a social occasion with anyone. I just didn't get people. They had so much power in their hands and they didn't know what to do about it.

I know what they think of me. They think I don't want a relationship with anyone. They think I'm too cold to ever love anyone more than I love the job. They're so deadly wrong about that. I know they think I didn't go after Sara because of the myriad of reasons not to, but they're wrong. I didn't go after Sara because she knew too much, she saw too much of me, and she asked too many questions. I didn't pursue Sara the way I wanted to I knew her better than she knew herself. I didn't go after Sara because I knew that once she saw the real me, she would run away. She wouldn't understand. She would just get hurt. It was better this way. This way, she never had to know the truth about me.

That's why I was so in love with Lady Heather. Nobody else knew that about me. Nobody saw me leave work and drive slowly to her house in the middle of the day, before the creatures of the night came out. She didn't ask questions. She knew me. She knew the real me, and that was okay for her. I didn't give her every part of me, like I knew Sara would want. It worked for us, and while it wasn't exactly true love, I cared for her deeply. Never as much as I cared for Sara, but most of the time in life, we don't get what we want.

At the end of the day, I was just like everyone else. I wanted someone to care for me the way I cared about them. I wanted to hold someone, and reassure them that things would be okay. I wanted love, but it was so hard when I had so much to lose.

I know what they all think of me, and they're wrong. I do feel things. I feel them too much.


	2. Sara

I know what they all think of me. I always know. They think, "That Sara Sidle! She's so emotional! She always lets her emotions control her!"

They don't even know the half of it. They don't know what lengths I go to to get inside a victim, to understand what must have been going on in their minds at the time of the attack. They don't know how far I take it. How I become one with the victim and feel everything they feel, at every time they feel it.

I wouldn't know how else to do it. I know Catherine can do it. I know for the most part she can put herself outside the victim and just solve the case like a normal person would. I have great respect for her, I do. But I have no idea how she does it. How can she not feel what's going on? How can she not KNOW what the victim was feeling?

I tried so hard in the beginning to be like her, and never let anyone see me sweat. But after a while.. it just got too hard. I've always let my emotions control me, and it has come close to ruining me so much in the past.

And then.. then there was the thing with Grissom. Again, I tried to hide it for a while, but I never even had a chance. I loved him even before I stepped one foot onto Las Vegas. In San Francisco, he was my mentor. He taught me everything I knew, and I fell for him even then. Hard. And even then, I knew that at least some part of him felt the same way about me. I knew there was something in his brain that wanted him to want me as much as I wanted him, but he didn't rule things with his emotions. Sometimes I even wondered if he had any emotions. When he called me in San Francisco and said they needed help, I couldn't pack my bags fast enough. He wanted me, and I was there.

I had great love for my coworkers. Catherine was awesome. Nicky always came through in a case, and I valued our friendship and the occasional flirtation to let off a little steam from time to time. Warrick and I had a rocky start, but we got over that hump. I came to Las Vegas with such a huge chip on my shoulder, and I wanted to be Grissom's star pupil. Seeing Warrick in such a state of mind, with his gambling and everything, gave me hope that maybe I could win Grissom over if I just worked a little harder than everyone else.

So I did. I bought police scanners and expensive equipment, I spent days at a time at the office, I threw myself into my work. It wasn't all for Grissom, let's get that clear. I did it because that's what I was raised to do. I was raised to do a good job, and damnit, that was what I was going to do. I knew the others couldn't see past that sometimes. They didn't know I had this overwhelming drive inside of me to push it just a little harder, to take it to the next level.

They still don't know the half of it. I have no plans of being a lowly third tier CSI for long. They have no idea what my plans are. They have no idea how far I plan to carry my hopes and dreams. This is just the beginning. The overnighters, the obsessing over victims, the stringent details I put into everything? It's only the beginning, and they have no idea how far I'll go.

I know I probably ruined my cool exterior with the whole Grissom thing. I know in the back of their minds, they're all thinking "She must really be hurt over that Grissom situation. How is she going to handle it?" I know that even though they have serious respect for me, they don't all take me seriously. I know that for sure. So, I have to prove them wrong. I had to step it up, move up the ladder, really show them who's boss. Do they really think that I do all that I do for Grissom's attention? Has it not even occured to them that I do so much extra work because I want to move up someday?

They don't even know the half of it. 


	3. Nicky

I know what they all think of me. I've always known. They think, "That Nicky, he's always trying to get Grissom's attention! That Nicky, always trying to beat everyone else at their own game!"

I mean, man, I try so hard to be the star pupil sometimes and it's like I never come out ahead. Warrick and I started at almost the same time, but he always gets the more important assignments. I just want Grissom's approval so bad, but it seems like there's nothing I can ever do to impress him as much as I want. And well.. I guess over the years I've learned to deal with it and shove the emotions aside, at least when it matters the most.

Nobody knows how I go home after work sometimes and just sit there for hours thinking what I could have done better. Why does he favor Warrick over me? Why didn't he like the way I processed the scene? Why didn't I get those results just a little bit faster? I am always double guessing myself and my decisions. Seldom do I actually feel proud of myself after a job well done.

I know Warrick doesn't have these problems. I know he cruises through the crime scenes like he was born to do it, with a certain grace and style that I know I'll never achieve. I admire him so much for how he's grown over the years, but sometimes I just don't feel like I've grown at all over the years. Sometimes.. sometimes I feel like packing it all up and moving back to Texas. I know Texas. I know the attitudes, and the people, and the way of life. I loved Vegas, but sometimes it just overwhelms me.

I mean.. don't get me wrong. I know it seems like, to the average person, it seems like I know what I'm doing. But after all that has happened in just the last five years, man, I'm really starting to doubt myself.

First there was Kristy. She was so.. different. So beautiful in her own little strange way. I knew we could have possibly shared something important if tragedy didn't strike. Sure, it was probably going to complicate everyone's lives more than I ever thought, but I thought it was worth it. I was in love with Kristy. I still have fantasies of going to that jail and just shooting the asshole that did that to her. She didn't deserve to die that way.

And after being stalked.. seconds away from being murdered in my own house.. you won't know how that feels until you're in the situation. I know it's cliche, but I still have nightmares about it. If it was him, it could have been anyone. And it could happen again.

So, you can't blame me if I'm a little nervous these days. I know they think I'm some kind of rubber band.. bend me and I'll get back in shape right away. I know they think that since I don't show how nervous I am all the time, I'm "over" all the weird things that seem to happen to me. But you know what? I'm not. I'll never be over it. And if it affects me on the job, there's really nothing I could do about it.

Maybe that's what Grissom sees in me. Maybe that's why he's always passing me over for Warrick or Sara. He knows that I don't bounce back from things very quickly. He knows that maybe, just maybe, I CAN'T handle all the pressure.

Maybe I should be grateful.


	4. Warrick

I know what they all think of me. I've always known. They think, "That Warrick Brown! Nice guy, good at his job, but man, isn't he going to crack at any time?"

But they all have the wrong idea. Even Nicky, and I consider him one of my best friends.

Gambling ruined my life, we all knew that. The second I left Holly Gribbs at the crime scene to go make bets for the judge, I knew I was doing something I'd regret. What was I thinking? Why did I let a moment of weakness turn the whole department, not to mention my life, upside down?

I know the others must think about my actions now and then, but I think about it all time. Every case I'm on, every person I talk to, I feel like I have to avenge the name of Holly Gribbs. She didn't deserve what I did to her. If I could have just stayed there, if I could have protected her from that asshole who came back to his crime scene, everybody's lives would be different.

To think.. MY actions, MY addiction, MY flaw, caused this whole catacylsmic chain of events that changed the lives of too many people. I'm not over it. I never will be. But the memory of what happened keeps me going. I know they think I just somehow got over the whole thing and I've moved on, but they are so very wrong about that. If it hadn't happened, I don't know if I'd want to continue in this line of work. It's too depressing, not to mention the whole issue with authority I have. If that didn't happen to me, I would have ditched this for sports or music or any of the other 200 things I was into before this job came along.

But I can't do that. I'm bound to this line of work. I'm bound to the memory of Holly. I'm bound to help each victim more than I helped her, and it's what drives me, and nobody knows that, and nobody ever will. Sometimes I wish I could tell Nicky about it, but I know he has his own problems. I worry about him sometimes. He always seems to get involved with the weirdest cases. And.. I know he never got over the Kristy thing. He never talked about it once after it happened, but I also know there hasn't been a serious girl since her. It's sad, really. I wish I could help him out more, but he never asked me to. We're good friends, but there's some lines we just don't cross. As for Sara, well, she's good at what she does, but she's a little too intense for me sometimes. I know she doesn't have a lot going on outside of work, and I just don't understand that. You HAVE to have other things to do, or you'll burn out. I think it says a lot about her that she really hasn't burned out yet. But, there's still time.

Not to mention.. well.. I know what they think. I know they think I'm some kind of player, that I'm good with the ladies. I know they all think that when they aren't looking, I'm with a different lady every night. They're wrong, though. Ever since Lillie, there hasn't been a lot going on in that world. I just don't have the guts anymore. There's only one person I want, and that can't ever happen.

I don't know when my fascination with Catherine started. It must have been early on, because she's just an amazing woman to me. Raising her kid on her own while somehow coming to work and putting forth such an effort every single day. Pure respect turned into lust, and lust turned into love somewhere along the way. Seeing her every day is a painful experience because I know if I ever said anything to anyone about it, chaos would ensue. I've seen how badly Sara's situation with Grissom turned out, and I don't want that for myself. I've resigned myself to loving her from afar. Over the years, I've talked myself into believing that it could never happen, and I'm okay with that. I really am.

Maybe I am punishing myself for all that's happened, but don't I deserve that? You have to take responsibility for your actions. It's not all fun and games all the time.

I know what they think of me, but I'm not going to crack. I've worked too hard for that.


	5. Catherine

I know what they all think of me. I've always known. They all think, "Catherine Willows! She'll do anything for her daugther! She takes the cases personally when they involve someone her daughter's age!"

Damn right I do. And I will continue to do it, because it's all on me. Who else is going to think about the children? Nobody else has kids. Nobody else feels that urge inside them like I do. So, it's all up to me to save the ones who can't save themselves. Lindsay is my life. And I will do anything to protect her and others like her. I'm not saying that the others don't do their best to solve the cases with the children who are directly involved. I know for a fact that they all give their heart and souls on every case. But they don't have that drive within them, that protective instinct.

Sometimes I think even Gil gets the wrong idea about me, and he's known me for practically 20 years. I know they all think that I'm good at my job, but I don't think they know why. I know they all think I'm some kind of showgirl turned CSI and I know that while they probably think that's "cool", they have no idea. I love my job. I think everyone knows that, but I doubt they know why.

This job saved my life. Don't laugh - it did. I was so into the life of drugs and stripping and everything else that was wrong for me until I got pulled out of it. My life was heading down the tubes, fast. If I wasn't a CSI, I'd probably be dead. That's the truth. That's what keeps me going. That's why I love my job. I owe a lot to Gil Grissom, and I know he knows that. We've been working together for so long that we have some kind of silent communication system. He knows I care about him, and he knows I would do anything for him. I owe a lot to that man.

I know that sometimes they think that Gil and I should get together because we're so alike, but what they don't know is that we already tried that. Oh, it was a few years back and pretty much forgotten by both of us. It was just one night, and it was a good night, and I think we needed that one night together. We are both very passionate people and I think curiosity got the best of us, along with several bottles of wine. But that was it. We got it out of our systems and we moved on quickly. He's a good man. I respect him. He might think that nobody gets him, but I do. I know he loved Sara from the very bottom of his heart, but he was scared of her. He was scared of what it meant to have a relationship with someone he really had feelings for. I understand that, and I respected it. He knows what he's doing, and we all know that. He has his bugs, and he has his opera music, and he has the occasional romp with Lady Heather. He has no idea that I know that, but I do. And I'm happy for him. He needs her in his life.

I respect Sara, too, but I really wish she wouldn't have worn her heart on her sleeve for so long. That was a very messy situation, and she's still paying for it. And the most heartbreaking part about it is that she doesn't understand. I know she still thinks it was because he loves his work more than her. I would love to sit her down and tell her what's really going on inside his head, but we don't have that kind of relationship. Sometimes, I wish we did.

I love working with her because we're so completely different, different ideas and backgrounds and reasons for loving our job. I feel that I've learned a lot from Sara, despite our rocky beginnings. I respect Nicky and Warrick, too. They both remind me of me when I was first starting out. They still have fresh perspectives. But they haven't seen everything like I have. I've seen it all. Nothing shocks me anymore, especially since Eddie died.

I loved Eddie. I really did. But I loved being a CSI more, and that used to drive him crazy. What he didn't understand was that being a CSI gives me some kind of purpose in my life. Along with Lindsey, it gives me a reason to wake up. When I was partying all the time with Eddie and only living day to day, that wasn't a life. This is a life. Going to work and coming home to my daughter, while not exactly as exciting as stripping and drugging, is what I life for. Eddie didn't live like that. He lived for nubile young women, money, music, and drugs. And in the end, it was the combination of it all that killed him, almost taking my daughter down with him. I'll never forgive him for putting her in jeopardy like that. Sometimes I feel like I gave Eddie the best of me, but then I go to work and help a victim or two, and that feeling is gone. This is the best of me. This is who I am now.

I know what they all think of me, and you know what? They may be right, but they have no idea why. They have no idea how personally I take it. And they have no idea that I owe this job my life.


End file.
